The Deer part 2

the next things happened quickly and i don't remember them that well. there was a lot of coughing, turning the car on and off, and calling the police. at this point, natasja brought up a very important point:

"hey guys, i don't know if this is important right now, but we should call erika to remind her to reserve Barnes hall."

erika is in our collective a cappella group, and Barnes Hall is where we usually hold hour twice-annual concert. an email had to be sent at midnight to confirm the reservation. tash was actually reminding us to confirm our reservation maybe 30 seconds after the crash where we almost died. priorities, people, priorities!

at this time i realized the magnitude of what had happened. my car was probably going to be totalled, the deer sure as hell died, i had no health inurance and i wasn't sure what kind of car insurance i had, and we weren't going to get home that night. so i stood in the middle of the ditch and screamed, emo style, the f word for a while. the only thing missing was that it should have been raining on my face and my makeup should have run artfully down, then i'd look down and swear revenge upon all that is good and holy, and take on a new, gothic view on life itself. dahhhkness...

While waiting for the policeman to come to our rescue, I kept noticing that I had liquid on my leg, and it didn’t feel like blood because no part of my leg was hurting. So apparently I kept repeating “I think I peed my pants”, and due to the fact that I was quite frightened, to say the least, it wasn’t out of the question for me.

by this time my face was puffing up like a delicious muffin in a hot oven, except not delicious, and my face isn't a muffin but i would say more like a blood-filled skin balloon. in all seriousness my lips and chin were pretty huge. i decided like a normal, rational person that i probably needed some ice for the swelling bosom that is my face. i just needed an ice pack or anything cold, you know. like bags of frozen peas or broccoli, or even straight ice. i'm not picky really.

and so 911 was called and a lone ranger by the name of...actually we never knew his name but we did get to ride in his car. i'll call him police mccopperpants. anyway mr. mccopperpants came to the rescue, and heroically asked us some pretty mundane questions, like 'are you okay' and 'aw that sucks i've hit my fair share of deer in my life'. Leigh and natasja, feeling famished and seeking revenge on our hoovèd friend and smelling the delicious smell of burnt carcass and hair, decided quickly and daringly to enquire if one may eat said carcass in the great state of Wisconsin. Officer Donut then responded in a quite confused tone: “I mean, I don’t have a problem with it. I wouldn’t recommend it though.” Although the officer piggy mcbaconpants didn’t show any signs of getting the joke, the two had a hearty laugh anyway, while I shivered in pee and fright and cold behind them. I didn’t really pee my pants, though, I should mention. It was just spilled coke or coffee or something.

Officer Eggs McSandwich then turned his attention to me and the task at hand. Surveying the accident scene he noticed that I had not only managed to destroy the front of my car with a deer, but also to ram said car into a sign, which was now bent over like prairie grasses in the breeze. Permant breeze.

“so…why did you hit the sign?” asked officer fatty britches.

I mumbled something about airbags and smoke inside the car and probably trailed off to a series of whimpers and “I peed my pants”s.

The Next Episode will be here shortly...

The Deer part 1

Right now, I'm sitting in a hotel room in some town called Tomah, Wisconsin, two and a half hours from my home, and a hell of a lot in the middle of nowhere, with a towel wrapped in ice on my face and my two best friends passed the f out on their respective beds. Leigh is actually so on my side of the bed I can't even really sit on the edge. It's 10:14am, and those of you who know me would know that this is an ungodly hour for me, and I'm dead to the world most days until 2pm. I can't sleep now, though, my face is throbbing and my ears are ringing.

i woke up half an hour ago because of the face pain, leigh's tying of herself into a human knot on my side of the bed, and because it was hard to really believe what happened last night. Here is a (long) synopsis.

i had just taken over driving from natasja, who was sitting in the front seat after we'd gotten a full tank of gas. we were driving in amiable silence except for the usual strange noises that leigh makes with her moving mouthparts. i think she was speaking. not sure though. Not listening.

the deer came upon us (or us upon the deer) so suddenly that there was no space for any intentional movement. all that i saw was a silhouette of a white, glowing, almost surreal, deer shaped object (i then quite cleverly assumed that it was, in fact, a deer) flying towards my face. it was really quite the experience. how many times in your life do you get to a see an object that large and that stupid fly towards your face at 65 (ahem, 75+) mph? the answer, hopefully not often.

i digress. i do that a lot. right after i saw the deer hit the front of my car, the airbags shot out at the speed of a freaking charging bull and punched me right in the face. so there you go. two large things coming at my face at high speeds in one night. someone hates me. i don't remember what i did next, but smoke was coming out of the air conditioning units and people were coughing and yelling that we should get out of the car. i supposed that i should follow this advice so i opened the door. apparently the car was still moving (i don't know whose fault this was) and i sort of half stepped, half rolled out of the car. Apparently leigh and tash were both attempting to exit the vehicle as I rolled out, leaving the car accelerating down into the ditch with them in it, stopping only at the heroic road sign that sacrificed its own verticality for their lives!

more of the story later...the exciting middle of the story! soon!