you know what's weird?

think about it. these things are all really really weird.

sex

legs/feet/walking (meat pads on sticks! i'm sayin!)

dancing

parties (especially those with the party hats and the blowy things)

eating

putting saltwater bags in your fatbags

fatbags

childbirth (ew)

bras (hey! put your fatbags in these things! it'll feel really good!)

questions? comments? suggestions for more weird things? contact me.

skyway adventures

greetings fellow hominids

long time no blog! things have been happenin! not really though. since i last blogged, i've probably been through a little. here is one story that i thought you should know about. typical of things that happen to me.

on my daily walk through the minneapolis skyway system (longest skyway system in the nation, no big deal) with friend e, strutting our stuffs and laughing about absurd things (have you noticed? walking is really weird because it's like, you're balancing on two jointed sticks cushioned with meat pads. soooo weird), i notice a slightly obese, pale, shiny-headed man coming towards me. he was mid-forties, wearing a red flannel shirt with a white t-shirt underneath, his belly protruding enough to house a pregnant woman.

he held, inconspicuously, a notecard in his hand that read

"does size matter?"

to which i promptly responded "yes", as if it were a reflex. it's the age-old question, and it had a correct answer.

a few seconds later i hear "excuse me!" and i turn around. the bald man held a twice-folded piece of paper in his outstretched hand. i was confused. he told me that it was a thank you card for responding correctly. i thanked him and walked away, opening the paper. this is what the paper said (no joke)

"of course size matters! Thank You for saying so! You are obviously an enlightened Woman, not willing to settle for anything You can't even feel! Good for You!

i am a submissive, a slave, with only four inches (erect). i could never satisfy a Woman as strong and beautiful as You. Thankfully, the Women who have owned me trained me to be useful to them in other, non-sexual ways. i love to clean house, run errands, or be a whipping boy when it's time to stage a Ceremonial Beating. Invite your Girlfriends! Take pictures!

i hope that i hear from You. References available.

shorty"

the paper then lists his phone number and email address. note several things about this. first, he is definitely intelligent, for spelling and grammar errors there are naught. second, he was really pretty smooth at this. third, he's thought about this from every angle, and even offers references.

aaaaaaaaaaaaand that concludes today's skyway storytime. the skyway is definitely an interesting place. everyday, homeless people, millionaires, lawyers, janitors, all mingle together in the glass tubes that run through most of downtown minneapolis. it is quite an experience to be here. oh yeah and once i saw terrence howard.

exhibit A: not shorty. maybe.

The Wedding

so i just got back from a long and wonderful trip in china. i've decided to put the deer stuff on hold for a bit, and give you a taste of the travesty of justice i had to endure on one incident in china. don't worry, the deer story will be finished, but in the mean time, enjoy this.

this is from an email written to my friend, l, two days after the incident.

two days ago, i went to a wedding. some distant uncle of mine was getting married. i went thinking it was free food and alcohol, and was pretty happy about it. when i got there i got accosted by all sorts of aunts and uncles and grandpas i didn't know i had. i swear there was like a hundred of them. i'd never met most of them. there was a lot of forced smiling and awkward hugs and hand shakes, and me not understanding them because they spoke in dialect. anyway. at the reception, the appetizers were being brought on and i was getting along dandy fine and just chilling in my seat talking to my cousin whom i do know, when this grandpa looking dude approached me and gave the impossible command. he (and at this point i was like who the f are you?) asked b (the boyf) and me to give the toast. excuse me? me? the toast? THE toast? the one where we get microphones and have to ad lib an awkward congratulations in chinese?

so i was like, are you serious? so in my head i did a quick pro-con comparison. here are some reasons that i shouldn't give the toast:

1. i had never met the bride or the groom

2. i don't speak chinese well enough to do it

3. there were 250 people there

4. like, seriously? THE toast? the bride and grooms' parents don't even have to get up to say anything and they ask the (probably) only strangers in the room. why?

here are the reasons that i should:

1. i'm with a white person.

so i was like, no way man. i'm not doing that. but he insisted, and quite literally dragged b and me over to meet the mc. at this point i was close to either fainting or crying. my aunts were laughing and yelling in my ear. this was quite unpleasant because they'd lean in as if they were going to whisper something important in my ear, then scream "you can do it!". this happened multiple times. the mc was a white faced boy who spoke really fast in a really high voice. he stressed me out. i was quite unhappy. i really didn't want to do it because i felt i was not qualified or fit to be a crucial part of the wedding process. this whole thing was confusing to me.

buuuuuuut we ended up doing it, and because i was so anxious and annoyed, my aunts wrote down a little ditty for me to read out loud. first they wanted me to memorize it, and you know how i am with memorizing shit. not my forte. especially in a language that i haven't really used since like the beginning of time. so after the bride and groom say i do and you know, that shit we are invited onto stage as, i kid you not, "the guests of honor". i say my thing with my eyes practically glued to the paper and b says some stuff in english. we were introduced as "this pretty girl and that handsome boy", and i was asked to translate what b had said. i made it up. then we were forced to hug the bride and groom. whoo! same sex hugs! whose idea was this? i don't know. do i want to throttle them? maybe. unless they are related to me. then i'd just have a fat man sit on them for a bit.

The Deer part 3

Officer hot dog face called the EMS, and after the ems truck pulled up, a few people (I can only assume that these are medically trained professionals…haha…hm) got out of the truck. Then some more people got out of the truck. Then thered were some more, There were literally like 15 people there in total at the scene of the accident. Let’s do some math here. If we take the number of people and subtract mr. cop mcpolicemanson and the two tow truck guys, that means that like 12 people had to have squeezed into that ems truck. Seriously there were like, a million of them and they were all trying to get their turn to touch and comfort us. Unfortunately for them it was neither comforting or comfortable to be caressed by borderline obese, pale strangers with dirty jeans on.

After i asked for ice for maybe the third time, a lady hovered close to me with a possible ice pack-looking object. she was squishing it between her hands in not quite a giving motion. i was confused as to what she was doing until another lady, her frizzy blond hair fanning out in the light, bounded excitedly towards me with an ice pack looking object in her hands. she was also squishing it between her fingers. when she got close enough she squealed excitedly: "we found a cold one!"

at last! i thought, my swelling may be mediated by this heavenly coolness that will hopefully shrink my face to something close to normal size. but much to my dismay, anger, and surprise, this 'cold pack' wasn't even close to being cold. there was not any sort of solid inside it, and it was damn close to room temperature. it should really be called a room temperature pack. i mean, who uses those? i guess if your face really needs to be at room temperature one of those would be useful, but why, why, why, why, why?

so as the room temperature pack was applied to my face (with 4 layers of gauze in between, no less, because i was also face bleeding), many people came and asked me for the same information, and it was decided that my car would be towed to the hotel, where we would retrieve our necessities for the night (mine included my sexy black dress that would have definitely gone perfectly with my huge, puffy lips. Party time!) and get a hotel room. During the ride to the hotel, however, Tash manages to convey to the officer both that this was the second time that she’d been in a cop car this semester, and that she wished to push all of the millions of buttons on the car’s dashboard. The policeman is alarmed.

After we get to the hotel, Leigh’s mouthparts moved, forming sounds directed at the officer: “So like um, do you have a knife?”
The officer, already alarmed, now became a deer in the headlights. “What for?” he asked, suspiciously.
Leigh then explained that we had ghetto rigged my car so that her bag is tape-tied to nooks and crannies. After the officer cut loose leigh’s belongings from the tangled web of hooks and tape and seat belts, we finally went inside, where we plopped down and began making calls to various important people.

oh it's not over yet. more hilarity to come later.

The Deer part 2

the next things happened quickly and i don't remember them that well. there was a lot of coughing, turning the car on and off, and calling the police. at this point, natasja brought up a very important point:

"hey guys, i don't know if this is important right now, but we should call erika to remind her to reserve Barnes hall."

erika is in our collective a cappella group, and Barnes Hall is where we usually hold hour twice-annual concert. an email had to be sent at midnight to confirm the reservation. tash was actually reminding us to confirm our reservation maybe 30 seconds after the crash where we almost died. priorities, people, priorities!

at this time i realized the magnitude of what had happened. my car was probably going to be totalled, the deer sure as hell died, i had no health inurance and i wasn't sure what kind of car insurance i had, and we weren't going to get home that night. so i stood in the middle of the ditch and screamed, emo style, the f word for a while. the only thing missing was that it should have been raining on my face and my makeup should have run artfully down, then i'd look down and swear revenge upon all that is good and holy, and take on a new, gothic view on life itself. dahhhkness...

While waiting for the policeman to come to our rescue, I kept noticing that I had liquid on my leg, and it didn’t feel like blood because no part of my leg was hurting. So apparently I kept repeating “I think I peed my pants”, and due to the fact that I was quite frightened, to say the least, it wasn’t out of the question for me.

by this time my face was puffing up like a delicious muffin in a hot oven, except not delicious, and my face isn't a muffin but i would say more like a blood-filled skin balloon. in all seriousness my lips and chin were pretty huge. i decided like a normal, rational person that i probably needed some ice for the swelling bosom that is my face. i just needed an ice pack or anything cold, you know. like bags of frozen peas or broccoli, or even straight ice. i'm not picky really.

and so 911 was called and a lone ranger by the name of...actually we never knew his name but we did get to ride in his car. i'll call him police mccopperpants. anyway mr. mccopperpants came to the rescue, and heroically asked us some pretty mundane questions, like 'are you okay' and 'aw that sucks i've hit my fair share of deer in my life'. Leigh and natasja, feeling famished and seeking revenge on our hoovèd friend and smelling the delicious smell of burnt carcass and hair, decided quickly and daringly to enquire if one may eat said carcass in the great state of Wisconsin. Officer Donut then responded in a quite confused tone: “I mean, I don’t have a problem with it. I wouldn’t recommend it though.” Although the officer piggy mcbaconpants didn’t show any signs of getting the joke, the two had a hearty laugh anyway, while I shivered in pee and fright and cold behind them. I didn’t really pee my pants, though, I should mention. It was just spilled coke or coffee or something.

Officer Eggs McSandwich then turned his attention to me and the task at hand. Surveying the accident scene he noticed that I had not only managed to destroy the front of my car with a deer, but also to ram said car into a sign, which was now bent over like prairie grasses in the breeze. Permant breeze.

“so…why did you hit the sign?” asked officer fatty britches.

I mumbled something about airbags and smoke inside the car and probably trailed off to a series of whimpers and “I peed my pants”s.

The Next Episode will be here shortly...

The Deer part 1

Right now, I'm sitting in a hotel room in some town called Tomah, Wisconsin, two and a half hours from my home, and a hell of a lot in the middle of nowhere, with a towel wrapped in ice on my face and my two best friends passed the f out on their respective beds. Leigh is actually so on my side of the bed I can't even really sit on the edge. It's 10:14am, and those of you who know me would know that this is an ungodly hour for me, and I'm dead to the world most days until 2pm. I can't sleep now, though, my face is throbbing and my ears are ringing.

i woke up half an hour ago because of the face pain, leigh's tying of herself into a human knot on my side of the bed, and because it was hard to really believe what happened last night. Here is a (long) synopsis.

i had just taken over driving from natasja, who was sitting in the front seat after we'd gotten a full tank of gas. we were driving in amiable silence except for the usual strange noises that leigh makes with her moving mouthparts. i think she was speaking. not sure though. Not listening.

the deer came upon us (or us upon the deer) so suddenly that there was no space for any intentional movement. all that i saw was a silhouette of a white, glowing, almost surreal, deer shaped object (i then quite cleverly assumed that it was, in fact, a deer) flying towards my face. it was really quite the experience. how many times in your life do you get to a see an object that large and that stupid fly towards your face at 65 (ahem, 75+) mph? the answer, hopefully not often.

i digress. i do that a lot. right after i saw the deer hit the front of my car, the airbags shot out at the speed of a freaking charging bull and punched me right in the face. so there you go. two large things coming at my face at high speeds in one night. someone hates me. i don't remember what i did next, but smoke was coming out of the air conditioning units and people were coughing and yelling that we should get out of the car. i supposed that i should follow this advice so i opened the door. apparently the car was still moving (i don't know whose fault this was) and i sort of half stepped, half rolled out of the car. Apparently leigh and tash were both attempting to exit the vehicle as I rolled out, leaving the car accelerating down into the ditch with them in it, stopping only at the heroic road sign that sacrificed its own verticality for their lives!

more of the story later...the exciting middle of the story! soon!

welcome

Hello. I'm Molly Pan and I have insane and ridiculous adventures. Read them here.